Broken Memories
by Luminera
Summary: After a being held captive for nearly a year and healing for another, ObiWan returns to the temple. As he tries to rebuild relationships and regain memories, his feelings for his former Master reappear. Slash
1. Chapter 1

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**Broken Memories**

Author: Luminera

Rating: R

Genres: Agnst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Qui/Obi, AU

Summary: After a being held captive for nearly a year and healing for another, Obi-Wan returns to the temple. As he tries to rebuild relationships and regain memories, his feelings for his former Master reappear.

Warnings: Slash...if you consider that a warning.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Please do not sue me as I have no money and I make no money off of this sordid little tale.

Author's Note: Qui-Gon is alive and kicking and training Anakin. Insert any death-cheating scenerio you wish. My personal favorite is the Obi-Wan I-can't-loose-you force whammy.

Feedback: If you are so moved, please let me know what you think.

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He stood outside the temple, staring. People bustled up and down the stairs to the main entrance, focused on their next destination. He wondered for a moment if perhaps he should come back later, when the temple was less crowded. But he was here now and he couldn't turn back. He wouldn't make it through another trip. 

Instead of proceeding up the stairs he sat on a step and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket. He shook a cigarette out of the pack and lit up. It was a strange sight, a young man in worn jeans, a tight blue t-shirt, and a leather jacket smoking on the steps of the temple. People were not supposed to linger on the temple steps. While not forbidden, it was regarded as rude to act so casually near the house of the revered Jedi. No one seemed to notice him, though, each person walking around him without even a curious glance. He sucked on the cigarette until all that remained was the filter. Flicking it away, he stood up and moved into the crowed walking up the temple steps.

He walked through the halls silently, attracting no attention from the citizens or Jedi passing through the corridors. Even in the crowded lift, his fellow passengers simply made room for his presence, never acknowledging the slightly dirty man that reeked of cigarettes and cheap beer.

He finally arrived at his destination. The doors to the council chamber loomed before him, the wooden doors a testament to the ancient Code that ruled the actions of the beings inside. He stood for a few moments before the receptionist, a senior padawan by the looks of his braid, acknowledged his presence.

"May I help you sir?" the young man asked, standing up and moving in front of his desk. He was moving into a defensive stance.

"Yes, I'm here to speak with the council."

"Do you have an appointment?" Clearly worried about the intentions of the visitor, the young padawan moved between him and the council chamber door.

"As a matter of fact, I do. So if you'll just step aside…" He pushed the padawan aside and moved toward the doors only to be stopped by a fierce look and a firm grip.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but you can't just walk into the chamber. There are protocols to follow."

"I assure you that I've followed all necessary protocol. But if you must, you may com Master Yoda to insure that I am expected."

The young man seemed unsure, but eventually he walked away, pulling out his com and turning his back to the visitor. He spoke softly. His shoulders tensed and he turned back towards the strange man.

"It seems you are expected."

"Yes, of course." The visitor arched his eyebrow, executed a graceful bow and then swiftly entered the chamber.

He walked to the center of the chamber and stopped, simply staring out at the passing traffic, waiting to be acknowledged.

"Good to see you it is. Missed you have been."

He tore his eyes from the cityscape, focusing on Master Yoda intently.

"Long we searched for you Obi-Wan. So long."

"I know Master. I was told of your efforts."

"Were you held captive Knight Kenobi? What happened?" Jedi Master Mace Windu leaned forward as he asked these questions, examining the newly returned Knight.

"I was captured Master Windu. I've sent all the information I remember to Master Yoda. It isn't much, but…perhaps it will help."

"Do you remember who held you?" Master Windu asked.

"It was a Sith. I am certain. It was the Sith I was chasing on my last mission."

"Gone a long time you have been. Nearly two years. Return now why do you?" Yoda questioned.

"I managed to escape nearly a year ago," Obi-Wan right hand twitched. He promised himself a cigarette the minute he left this chamber.

"I was injured. I barely made it out alive, but I managed to steal a transport and escape. I needed time to heal…I was not prepared to return to the temple, to become a Jedi again. I'm not sure I'll ever…" he stopped himself.

"I remained on a sparsely populated planet for a few months, healing, and then I found my way to Lolena. I've spent all my time there. I would have remained there, but the Force and what remains of my sense of duty compelled me to move."

"I have information that is vital to the continuation of the Jedi Order. I was held by several dark Jedi. I remember a few of them, but the Sith Master's identity is tightly locked away in my mind. I've come here because I know that you can unlock this information Masters."

"Knight Kenobi, a mental probe is a very painful procedure. What you're suggesting would require the entire concentration of the council. We would all need to enter your mind." Master Windu's eyes narrowed in concern.

"I realize that. I am not unaware of the risks of the procedure. I've come here willingly. I owe it to the Order to do this. It is the only way."

"Consider it we will, but another way I wish there was."

"As do I." Obi-Wan hesitated and then took a deep breath. "Masters I have only one request. I need a place to stay while I am on Coruscant. I have little money."

"Welcome you always are Obi-Wan. Always have a home in the temple Jedi do."

"Master Yoda…I'm not…I mean, I can no longer be a Jedi. I'm…tainted. I would stay elsewhere, but I'm afraid the effects of the procedure will leave me in need of healers."

"A Jedi you still are and have always been. Stay here with your fellow Jedi you will. Informed of your arrival Master Jinn has been. Awaiting your presence in his quarters he is."

Obi-Wan blinked, clearly in shock. He had no intention of visiting Qui-Gon while he was here. In fact, he had every intention of avoiding his former Master like the Deluvian plague.

"That is not necessary. I…"

"Go you will or drag you there myself I will."

Obi-Wan hesitated, digging in his heels for a long argument, but he saw the determination in Yoda's eyes and felt the fight leave his body. He was much too tired to argue with the stubborn old troll.

"Of course Master Yoda."

* * *

He stood before the door, hesitating. The marker near the security scanner read "Jinn/Skywalker." He considered leaving. He could stay in the lower levels. There was always an empty bed down there, though not always a clean one. But Qui-Gon was waiting and, if he was honest with himself, he needed to see his old Master. 

He held his breath and pushed the chime. The door slid open within seconds. Qui-Gon stood in the doorway, his hair neatly pulled back, his blue eyes shimmering with warmth, looking exactly as Obi-Wan remembered.

"Padawan," he said softly, pulling Obi-Wan into an embrace.

Obi-Wan remained stiff in his former Master's arms, unsure of how to respond.

"I've missed you so much my Padawan," Qui-Gon whispered. "They all said you were dead, but I knew, I knew."

Qui-Gon finally pulled away and looked at Obi-Wan, scanning him from head to toe. Obi-Wan looked away, unable to meet his Master's watery eyes.

"You look hungry. I've prepared dinner, or Anakin has at least" he said.

"You didn't have to do this. I could stay somewhere else. I'm sure there are empty Knight quarters or something."

"Are you kidding? You belong here my padawan. I've missed you so much," He lifted his finger and brushed the hair out of Obi-Wan's eyes.

"You've let it grow. I always knew it would look lovely long."

"Yes, well, I never seem to find the time to cut it."

Obi-Wan stood awkwardly, fighting not to fidget as Qui-Gon continued to stare at him, smiling.

"I knew you would return to me, my padawan," he whispered.

A soft cough came from the kitchen doorway and Obi-Wan turned to see a fifteen year-old Anakin Skywalker looking back at him.

"It's good to see you back Knight Kenobi."

"Thank you Anakin. And please call me Obi-Wan." Obi-Wan smiled in what he hoped was a warm manner. He and Anakin had begun to develop a friendly relationship before he disappeared. From the fierce look in Anakin's eyes, he feared that he had lost any favor he had with the padawan during his absence.

Anakin turned his attention to Qui-Gon. "It will be ready in a few minutes Master. Would you like me to bring you some wine while you wait?"

"That would be nice Ani."

"I hope you did not go through too much trouble with dinner Anakin," Obi-Wan said before the padawan turned to return to the kitchen.

"No problem at all. I'm used to cooking. Qui-Gon would starve without me. Or at least that's what he keeps saying."

Anakin returned to the kitchen and Qui-Gon motioned for Obi-Wan to sit on the couch in the living room. Obi-Wan sat down and Qui-Gon sat next to him, leaving little room between them. He grabbed the younger man's hand and held it between his own.

"When Yoda called me three days ago with news of your return…I…I've never felt such joy. Everyone had given up on you my Obi-Wan. I came close, but I could not. I could still feel you, faintly. I never completely lost hope."

Obi-Wan pulled his hand from between Qui-Gon's and averted his eyes. His fingers twitched. He wanted to get out of here, away from Qui-Gon's eyes, which seemed to be swinging between complete joy and dreadful concern. He was unsure of how to respond to a declaration of such utter devotion.

"I'm glad you did not loose faith Qui-Gon." He said, hoping Qui-Gon did not notice the slight emphasis he put on the word you.

Anakin walked into the living room with two glasses of wine, handing one to each of the men.

"All we had was the pinot Master, I hope that's okay."

"That's fine padawan, thank you."

Anakin returned to the kitchen. The living room settled into a slightly awkward silence. Qui-Gon slowly sipped his wine, while Obi-Wan unconsciously downed half his glass.

"There is no need to rush Obi-Wan, we're in no hurry."

Obi-Wan smiled nervously and proceeded to sip his wine more slowly. He mentally slapped himself for being so jumpy around his master. He grew up with this man for Force sake. He could certainly enjoy a glass of wine with him.

"Master Yoda did not tell me much about your absence. Your ship was found with no obvious damage. Some said you had left the order, though I knew better."

"Master Yoda does not know the whole story. Only bits. I don't even remember everything." He fiddled with the stem of his wine glass. "I was captured by the Sith I had been hunting. I managed to escape, but spent a year on another planet…recovering. I wasn't prepared to return to the Jedi…I still not sure I am. I guess my sense of duty was too strong to keep me away though."

Qui-Gon clasped his hand again and Obi-Wan visibly tensed. "You were gone for two years my padawan. How long were you held?" His voice fell into a whisper at the end, as if he feared speaking the words too loudly.

"A little under a year, I think. It was hard to keep track of the days." Obi-Wan gulped down the last bit of his wine and pulled his hand away from his Master's.

"I searched for you. But they called me back after months of fruitless leads. I would have continued to search, but…Anakin needed me and I think I needed him as well. I'm sorry I did not search longer and harder"

"I don't blame you for returning to Anakin. You would never have found me anyway." He put down his empty glass on the table.

"Will you tell me what happened Obi-Wan? Master Yoda only told me that you were held and he was evasive about the nature of your return." Qui-Gon's eyes pleaded with him even though his voice held a hint of fear. He wasn't sure he was prepared to hear the answer.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "I will tell you eventually, before…

"Dinner's ready," Anakin proclaimed as he walked into the living room, a dishtowel slung over his shoulder.

Qui-Gon stood and held out his hand for Obi-Wan to take. Obi-Wan hesitated and then allowed his former Master to help him up. "Well then, I believe it's time to eat," he said with a smile in his eyes.

* * *

"That was delicious Padawan," Qui-Gon said as he swallowed his last bit of food. 

"Glad to know I'm appreciated," Anakin said, smiling broadly.

"Yes, well there are one or two reasons I keep you around," Qui-Gon said with a smile.

Anakin stood up and began to pick up the empty plates. "I live to serve you my Master," Anakin said, trying to look contrite but failing as a smirk tugged on his lips.

Obi-Wan shifted in his seat, feeling slightly uncomfortable during the exchange. He leaned over to pick up a glass. "You must let me clean up after you've feed me so well," he said.

"Certainly not, Anakin can handle the clean up. It isn't much." He moved to take the glass out of Obi-Wan's hand, but Obi-Wan moved to stand at the exact moment. Qui-Gon accidentally knocked the glass out of his hand and it fell to the floor, shattering. Obi-Wan leaned down to begin picking up the shards.

"I'm so sorry Qui-Gon. I've been clumsier than usual lately." He began to hastily pick up the pieces of glass, feeling nervous, like a child waiting for punishment.

"It's okay Obi-Wan. Let me get a broom. You'll cut yourself picking it up." Obi-Wan continued to pick up the pieces of glass, refusing to meet Qui-Gon's gaze. Qui-Gon reached over to lift his chin and Obi-Wan flinched. It was slight and would have been unnoticeable to anyone other than the two other Jedi in the room. The room fell awkwardly silent.

Qui-Gon continued to pull up Obi-Wan's chin and forced him to meet his eyes. Qui-Gon looked slightly hurt and confused. Obi-Wan looked away and saw Anakin looking at him with the same expression. He pulled away from Qui-Gon and looked down at his hand. He was bleeding.

Qui-Gon noticed and grabbed a napkin and pressed it into the shallow cut. Obi-Wan tensed, but allowed him to continue. Anakin began to clear the rest of the table and retrieved a broom from the kitchen. The room remained silent as he swept up the broken glass.

Obi-Wan finally yanked his hand away from Qui-Gon's. "I'll just go clean this off in the bathroom." He quickly stood up and disappeared from the kitchen.

"He's afraid." Anakin said.

"I know," Qui-Gon replied as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I just wish I knew why."

tbc

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Next chapter should be up in a week. Please review. 


	2. Chapter 2

See Chapter 1 for story info.

Author's Note: Okay, so there's no excuse. I completely forgot I had started this story. I've been out of the loop and away from So I was quite surprized when I decided to login my account and found several reviews for this story. Anyway, my apologies to all that read the first chapter and wanted more. And thanks so much to everyone that reviewed. Hope you like where the story is headed.

The rest of the night passed in mostly tense silence. Anakin went to bed and Qui-Gon set up an area for Obi-Wan to sleep on the couch.

"There are extra blankets in the hall closet if you need them." Qui-Gon said as he smoothed the wrinkles out of the quilt he'd laid out.

"Thank you. This will be fine, I'm sure." Obi-Wan replied, not quite meeting his former Master's eyes.

Qui-Gon took a step closer to Obi-Wan and raised a hand to caress Obi-Wan's check.

"I'm glad you came back to us my padawan. Back to me. It's not the same without you." Qui-Gon's eyes shimmered as he leaned down and brushed a soft kiss on Obi-Wan's forehead. "Sleep well." Qui-Gon gazed at him for a moment longer and then walked quietly to his bedroom.

After the door softly shut, Obi-Wan let himself fall onto the couch, sighing heavily as he leaned back into the cushions. He knew this wouldn't be easy, that it would hurt more than he cared to admit, but seeing the love in Qui-Gon's eyes made him doubt his decisions. Qui-Gon would be far from happy once he learned the truth. There was no other way, though, and honestly, Obi-Wan was not sure he had enough fight left in him to come up with another plan. He was not sure he even wanted to. It would hurt Qui-Gon, he knew that, but his Master would survive. He always did.

Obi-Wan toed off his boots and laid down on the couch. He wasn't really tired, but it would do him some good to at least try to sleep. It had been a while since he had a good night's sleep and perhaps here, surrounded by his old life and the comfort of the temple, his slumber would be peaceful.

* * *

_His body hung limply, digging his wrists even deeper into the binders above his head. The chain he hung from allowed only his toes to touch the ground, giving him only minimal support and relief from the pressure on his wrists and shoulders._

"_This would be much easier and more pleasant if you would just submit." A voice whispered in his ear. He felt the warmth of a body pressed against his back as breath brushed against his ear._

"_You are quite a lovely young thing. I'm surprised no one had taught you submission before." A hand ghosted down his naked back and came to rest just above his ass. Obi-Wan stiffened. It hadn't been that long since the last time they took him. He could still feel the wetness of semen and blood dripping down his thighs._

"_You're very stubborn," he whispered. "It seems we'll have to find something better than pain, pleasure and humiliation to break you."_

_The hand glided from his back toward his stomach and the man circled Obi-Wan until his face was mere inches from Obi-Wan's. Obi-Wan fought the need to look away from the familiar eyes. 'It's just the drugs,' he thought to himself. All he had left was defiance and determination, so he met the gaze head on._

"_Such courage. Such pride. Your Jedi values will be your downfall."_

_Obi-Wan only continued to gaze at the man, determined not to show even an ounce of fear._

"_Did you know that the last ship we attacked was not only carrying the technology we needed, but the royal family of Teluth. Seems they were very proud of the technology their scientists had created, believed it would alleviate energy shortages and ease the stress on the environment on several planets. They were personally escorting the device to a Republic convention."_

_The man smiled and quirked an eyebrow. "It's a shame they had to die, but we have bolder plans for their device. Well, we didn't kill all of them. The king and queen, of course, were done away with and the crew and scientists. But…their children, well they presented an opportunity I could just not pass up."_

_He smirked and then leaned in closer to Obi-Wan, his mouth grazing the young man's ear. _

"_They're so very young," he whispered. "The oldest is only thirteen. She's very beautiful, all soft skin and wide eyes. And the younger one, the boy, well, let's just say that several of my men would love to keep him around."_

_Obi-Wan's breath quickened and he shut his eyes tightly, quite aware where this conversation was headed, but unwilling to deal with the reality._

"_Of course, as I said, they're so very young, and I would hate to ruin all that innocence. Now, if you would simply submit, perhaps I could keep my men away from the poor, innocent children. You would be a quite suitable replacement."_

_The man leaned back to stare into Obi-Wan's eyes, which had lost their previous edge of defiance. He suddenly slammed his mouth onto Obi-Wan's. Unlike all the previous times, Obi-Wan let it happen, and when a tongue slipped between his lips, he allowed it and slowly responded to the kiss._

_The man pulled away and smirked. "You'll enjoy this my dear boy…or at least I will."  
_

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Obi-Wan awoke with a start, his lips burning and his whole body shaking with the remnants of the dream. He sat up and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was just past one. He knew that he would not be sleeping again tonight. With a resigned sigh, he stood up, threw on his pants, and grabbed his jacket, not bothering to done his shirt.

He walked out onto the balcony, sliding the door closed behind him carefully in order to remain silent, afraid to wake up Qui-Gon, who would come to him with questions and compassionate eyes. He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, watching as Coruscant's late night traffic buzzed around the temple.

He leaned against the railing, knocking the ash off the end of his cigarette and thinking about the days to come. The Council would want answers soon, he knew. Though they were reluctant to do the procedure, they would soon realize that it would be necessary, for the safety of the Order and the Republic. He had resigned himself to this fate months ago. Now he even welcomed it, hoping the procedure would, in some way, provide him relief from the burden he carried.

He shook out another cigarette and lit it with the one he had already smoked nearly to the filter. He heard a soft click behind him and turned around to see Anakin, wearing only sleep pants and a robe, slip through the balcony door and close it behind him.

"I never pictured you as a chain smoker," he said, walking to stand beside Obi-Wan, leaving a few feet of space between them.

"Me either," Obi-Wan said, staring out at the cityscape.

"He missed you. More than you'll ever know."

Obi-Wan sighed and glanced at the young man standing beside him. He was lanky, not quite out of the awkwardness of puberty, but he held himself in a way that suggested strength and power. He had grown up since Obi-Wan had been away, and judging from the set of his mouth and the sadness in his eyes, the past two years had been difficult.

"Why didn't you return after you escaped? I heard you and Master Qui-Gon talking. You said you were held for just under a year, yet you've been gone for two years." Anakin looked at him with accusing eyes. "Why did you stay away?"

Obi-Wan flinched inwardly at the tone. It was clear Anakin felt he had abandoned them, and truthfully, Obi-Wan felt the same way.

"I was…healing…on Lolena. I meant to return sooner, but…," Obi-Wan stopped, unsure how to continue, unsure if there was any way to explain his actions.

"You could have commed…anything at all, but you didn't contact Qui-Gon, no one."

"I tried, often. I would even dial in the number, but I couldn't send it through." Obi-Wan inhaled deeply on his cigarette and held it for several beats, when it began to burn more than he could stand, his let out the breath and a large puff of smoke. "I'm not the same person I was before, Anakin. I'm not the person you all remember. I've changed and I wasn't sure I could face Qui-Gon, you, anyone as I am now."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I started to remember."

"Remember what?"

Obi-Wan flicked away his cigarette. "Who I was?"

"You forgot who you were?" Anakin asked with a disbelieving tone.

"Not exactly. It's difficult to explain." Obi-Wan's eyes clouded and he remained silent for several minutes. Anakin fidgeted, worried that he would never get a straight answer.

Finally Obi-Wan's eyes cleared and he turned to Anakin. "We are taught, and I always strongly believed, that no matter what, no one can take away the part of us that makes us Jedi. It's hammered into us at a young age. We are Jedi first and foremost. Nothing can change that…but I learned…I learned that with the right tools…the part of me that makes me Jedi, the part of me I always thought was so unbreakable…can just crumble away like it never even existed."

Anakin moved closer to Obi-Wan, hoping to give him some comfort. No matter how much pain the older man's absence had caused him, the lack of hope in Obi-Wan's eyes tore at his heart. It was the same look he had seen on hundreds of slaves on Tatooine, the ones that had finally resigned themselves to a life of pain and shackles. Death became a welcome relief. He remembered the mumblings that would spread after a slave was found hanging from a rope or with wrists split wide open. As he looked at Obi-Wan face, saw the pain in his eyes, he wondered if Obi-Wan ever considered death as a way out.

Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably under Anakin's scrutiny. "We should go inside. Get some sleep. Your Master will have my hide if you aren't rested for saber practice tomorrow."

Obi-Wan moved quickly toward the door, suddenly discomforted by the fact that he said so much to Anakin. He needed to become accustomed to speaking to other people again. He needed to become comfortable with other's seeing his weakness. Soon they would know the whole story and he had to prepare himself for the disappointment in their eyes.

He waited until Anakin slipped through the balcony door and closed it softly. He exchanged a tense goodnight with Anakin and then settled onto the couch. He wouldn't sleep. The chance of having a nightmare was too great. So he laid back against the cushions, stared up at the ceiling, and tried to empty his mind. It was the closest to meditation he could get these days.


	3. Chapter 3

See Ch. 1 for story info.

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I really appreciate the encouragement. I meant to get this out sooner, but, alas, a virus decided to incapacitate my computer for several days. Hope you all enjoy!

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After an uncomfortable night spent staring at the ceiling, Obi-Wan rose before dawn broke and crept out the quarters. Few people were up at this time in the morning, so he was able to travel undetected through the Temple halls. When he made it to his favorite, or what used to be his favorite, meditation garden, he let out a sigh of relief. No one was around. Even during busy hours, the garden was usually uninhabited, which is why he loved it so much. It was tucked away in an unfrequented section of the temple and wasn't nearly as majestic as all the other gardens. But to him, it was the most peaceful. As a padawan, he often came here to mediate after a fight with Qui-Gon or after a particularly grueling mission. He needed to feel safe and since curling up in Master's lap like child didn't really seem like an option, this was his best bet. 

He sat beneath a willow tree in the far corner of the garden, leaning back against its trunk and pulling his knees against his chest. He tried to relax, let the Force wash over him and bring comfort. He felt the tension ease from his body. Not for the first time, he wondered if he deserved this comfort. After his escape, he thought the Force, the Light, would abandon him, but it was still there, waiting.

He heard a slight rustle, almost imperceptible. He knew who it was without looking, without really trying.

"Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon stood before Obi-Wan, a slight smile on his face, concern in his eyes. "Did you sleep well," he asked, gracefully folding himself into a sitting position in front of Obi-Wan.

"Well enough," he answered, plucking at the grass next to his feet, not meeting Qui-Gon's eyes.

"Mace left a message for you on my comm. Seems you're not the only one that decided to rise early this morning."

"What did he want?"

"The Council would like to see you in an hour's time."

Qui-Gon leaned forward and brushed his hand against Obi-Wan's cheek. He stayed still, fighting the urge to flinch and the equally powerful desire to lean into the touch. It seemed his two year absence had done little to weaken his desire.

"What is it you're afraid of my padawan?"

Obi-Wan looked up, surprised.

"What makes you think I'm afraid?" he asked, going for cocky but getting the distinct feeling that it came off as desperate.

"Mace seemed…concerned." Obi-Wan knew what that meant. Mace never showed concern or fear. He was always stoic, no matter the situation. The thought of the stern Master letting his façade slip for him made Obi-Wan smile slightly.

"What happened…during your captivity. They've told me very little."

"That's not surprising, since they know very little." Obi-Wan let his head fall back against the tree and shut his eyes, not wanting to see his Master's face. "I was captured by a Sith, the one I was tracking on my last mission…the apprentice. I was caught off guard…it was sloppy of me, careless. I should have…" he didn't know what else to say, he'd run the situation through his head thousands of times, kicking himself for being too slow, too weak. "I shouldn't have been captured so easily."

"Obi-Wan…Obi, look at me."

Obi-Wan opened his eyes to see a stern, exasperated look on Qui-Gon's face, the look he used when a student was being particularly dense.

"It was not your fault you were captured. I remember that mission. You were exhausted, had just returned from a terrible mission only a few days before. You were still healing from an injury and they decided to send you out again. They were using you, your skill, your experience with the Sith, your loyalty, and it was wearing you down. You shouldn't have been sent out so soon. I tried to talk them out of it…"

"You what?!" Obi-Wan said, surprise laced in his tone.

"You were exhausted Obi-Wan. I didn't want to see you hurt because of political pressure for expediency."

"I didn't know you had done that."

"For all the good it did you."

"Thank you." Obi-Wan whispered. He reached for Qui-Gon's hand and laced their fingers together.

"My motivation wasn't completely pure," Qui-Gon said, his eyes dancing with warmth.

"Really?"

"It had been so long since you'd had any downtime at the Temple. So long since I'd seen you relaxed…and we were getting closer. Weren't we?"

"Yes…we were."

"I had plans to court you."

"Court me? Really Master, I'm not a blushing teenage girl." Obi-Wan said, his heart feeling light for the first time in years.

"No, you're not. But I didn't want to rush into anything and it seemed the proper route."

"And now?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Now," he squeezed Obi-Wan's hand, "now I want to just go for it and not waste another moment." He brushed a strand of hair from Obi-Wan's face and leaned in. Obi-Wan disentangled his hand from Qui-Gon's, placed his hand flat on his Master's chest and pushed him away gently. Qui-Gon gazed and him, his eyes confused.

"I'm not sure I can do this…I don't know how to…I mean…I've changed Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan looked away. "You don't know what I've done," he said so quietly that it was almost a whisper.

"Then tell me."

Obi-Wan smiled sadly. "I'm too afraid."

Obi-Wan stood abruptly, brushing the grass from his pants.

"I should go meet the Council. There are some things they must know, that you must know…Will you join me at the meeting? I think…I think this might be the easiest way to tell you."

A thousand questions swam through Qui-Gon's head, but he held his tongue. "Of course, Obi-Wan."

Before Qui-Gon could stand completely, Obi-Wan was striding out of the garden, leaving Qui-Gon to wonder if he really wanted to know all the secrets his padawan was hiding.

* * *

Obi-Wan stood before the Jedi Council, Qui-Gon standing behind him and to his right, a reversal of roles from his padawan days. 

"Obi-Wan," Mace Windu said, breaking the silence that had descended on the chambers since he walked through the doors. "We've gone over the information you've provided in your report. Several of the dark Jedi you named…they were presumed dead."

"Yes, Master Windu, I know." Obi-Wan had prepared himself for their doubt. He hadn't believed it himself at first.

"It has been assumed that Sith operate in pairs only. Your report lists six dark Force users, four of which were once Jedi. Do you suspect there to be more?"

"Honestly Master, I am not sure. I only encountered three during my capture. I discovered the identities of the others by accessing several files. There could be more. My assumption is that there are." Obi-Wan tried not to think about what sneaking access to those files had cost him.

"Obi-Wan." The tall Master leaned forward slightly, his eyes compassionate and his tone somewhat hesitant. "Your report states that these other Jedi, the ones that turned, that they were also captured, like you…and that there were others, others that didn't make it, that were killed. Obi-Wan, if they didn't succeed in turning you, why did they keep you alive? You were held for nearly a year."

The Chambers were eerily silent and the Masters waited for his response. He had kept his report purposefully vague, hoping they would assume that there were gaps in his memory. Honestly, he was afraid if they knew the whole truth he would have been locked in a Force secure room rather than invited to a Council meeting. He took a deep breathe and hoped his voice would not waver.

"They did succeed." He heard a quick intake of breath behind him, but refused to turn around. Instead he kept his gaze on the traffic flying by behind the Council members. He didn't want to see anyone's face, couldn't stand the thought of them looking at him with betrayal and suspicion.

"Knight Kenobi," Adi Gallia's voice cut through the silence, stern yet uncertain. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

Obi-Wan shifted his gaze, looking down at his boots. It was a childish and disrespectful posture, but with his gaze on the traffic, he could still see them, their disapproving frowns. This was easier. This was all he could manage. He felt the presence of his Master at his back and wished that he had told him to stay away, that he could shield him from the truth.

"I learned a lot during my capture, about myself and the Force. The dark side…it is not like we have always thought. It can consume you, like a drug, but that is a choice you make, through your motivations, your actions. There is more power in it, power that the Jedi don't access. I've…I've learned to use this power. I allowed them to teach me. It's not something I can unlearn, but…it's something I can control. I'm not sure you can understand. I'm not sure it's something I understand. But it is possible to use this power and not be completely corrupted. I think that the Force…I think it is not as binary as we assume. Certain powers are more likely to corrupt, but it is not a given. But…I…I was not being flippant when I said I could not longer be a Jedi." Obi-Wan took a deep breathe, forcing himself to continue. "I've had a long time to consider this, what I've learned, and while I don't think that I'm dangerous…I can't be certain. I'm tainted at best, a threat to the Jedi at worst. I cannot risk returning to the Temple, working with initiates and padawans. I can't take the risk of turning into someone else…someone you would consider your enemy."

"Obi-Wan," Master Yoda spoke for the first time since the meeting began. "If dark you are, dangerous, then feel it we would."

"That is not entirely true Master Yoda. Part of the power they teach is about concealment."

"So you are hiding yourself from us?" Master Windu asked.

"No, at least not consciously. All of the dark Jedi I met, they could conceal their intentions, their power, to the extent that none of you would know the difference between one of them and one of your own in the Force. I am not doing this right now, but…there are memories I cannot access, certain things have been hidden from me. I…I'm afraid that I cannot trust myself."

Master Windu glanced at Master Yoda briefly. "You said that you can tap into power, power we would consider dark, without corrupting yourself…Could you show us?"

Obi-Wan's head snapped up for the first time since he began his confession, his eyes wide. "I…Are you sure?" Obi-Wan cursed himself as his voice wavered.

Yoda gazed at him, forcing Obi-Wan to meet his eyes. "Trust you we do, Knight Kenobi."

Obi-Wan nodded, still concerned, but comforted by Yoda's words. He closed his eyes, took a breath, and then simply disappeared.

Several Council members gasped. Qui-Gon took a step forward, shock spreading across his face. It was not the visible disappearance that surprised them. Many Jedi could send a suggestion into the Force, making other beings believe that there was nothing but air in front of them. It becomes difficult when there are more beings to control. A few advanced Masters could control seven or eight minds at the most. What made the Council members gasp, though, was his disappearance into the Force. Even when the most gifted Jedi manage to conceal themselves from detection in the Force, they leave a gap, a marker of their presence that Jedi Masters are able to detect. Obi-Wan left no such marker behind. He simply vanished, as if he had never existed, as if he had folded himself, his presence, into the Force and left nothing in his wake.

Master Windu sent a questioning glance toward Yoda, asking without words if he could sense the young man. Yoda simply shook his head.

Obi-Wan reappeared as suddenly as he left. Qui-Gon reached out and touched his shoulder, trying to reassure himself that his padawan had returned. Obi-Wan turned and looked into his eyes, begging forgiveness, but knowing that he didn't deserve it.

"Obi-Wan," Mace Windu's tone was clipped, stern. "How did you do that?"

"I can show you, explain it to you all. I can also show you how to get around it, how to detect those that use this defense. There are other things that I've learned that the Jedi need to be aware of. I understand that this seems dangerous, dark to you, but you need to know what you're against. It's the only way to fight it."

"What you suggest, teaching us these skills, it goes against everything we stand for."

"I understand Master. I can explain it to you, demonstrate as best I can. It's up to you what you do with the information. I was hoping to have time…before the procedure, if you've decided to go forward with it."

"Tell me," Yoda said, "Guide us to the information in your mind can you?"

"No, Master Yoda. I know there is a block, though it took me a while to detect. I've tried to locate it, but it's too deep."

"Obi-Wan," Master Windu said, "you do realize that we will have to search your mind, your memories, everything in order to uncover the identity of the Sith Master. It will take the power of the entire Council."

"I understand Master."

"Obi-Wan," Master Windu's voice grew soft, hesitant. "This procedure could kill you, leave you lost inside your own mind. It is unlikely you'll survive without some damage to your mind."

Obi-Wan could feel Qui-Gon's presence stirring behind him at Mace's words.

"I'm aware of the dangers Master."

"You're allowed to have an anchor, someone to keep you from going into shock or becoming lost in the memories. It works best if it is someone share a bond with." Mace's eyes flicked towards Qui-Gon.

"No," Obi-Wan said.

"Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon spoke up for the first time. He stepped forward and grasped Obi-Wan's arm. "If you must do this, I want to be with you." His eyes pleaded with Obi-Wan, willing him to agree.

Obi-Wan gently removed Qui-Gon's hand from his arm. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he gazed at his old Master.

"I'm sorry Qui-Gon, but…I won't allow it."

He turned back to the Council without waiting for a response.

"So, will you do the procedure?"

Mace and Yoda exchanged glances.

"How much time would you need to teach us?" Mace asked.

Obi-Wan considered the question. It would not be as difficult as they expected. He could explain it to them, teach them defenses, it was up to them how they used it.

"No more than three ten-days," he responded.

"Obi-Wan…we will do the procedure, but we want you to reconsider having an anchor and focus on trying to locate the source of the block…it will be safer for you this way." Mace hesitated, focusing intently on the young man standing before him. "Obi-Wan…you can back out of this procedure any time you wish. We do not take invasive mental scans lightly. The subject needs to be completely willing and aware of the risks…we can find another way Obi-Wan. You gave us invaluable information that we could use to track down the Sith…there is no need to rush into something that may harm you. There are other ways. We have time."

"No," Obi-Wan said, he voice cold and sad, "we don't."


	4. Chapter 4

See Ch. 1 for Story notes

Authors Notes: So I've finally made it back to this story. Please don't throw things at me for making you all wait so long. Thanks for everyone who reviewed. I'm so glad you've all been enjoying it. Hopefully the next chapter will come more easily and quickly, but I don't have the greatest track record...Anyway, thanks for sticking with this little story. Hope you enjoy the next chapter.

* * *

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stood just outside of the Council chambers, Obi-Wan avoiding eye contact and Qui-Gon trying to calm his chaotic thoughts.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon took a step forward, hoping Obi-Wan would look up.

He moved away, leaning against the nearby wall and rubbing his fingers into his eyes, hoping that his Master would just leave him be.

"Obi-Wan…I don't think this is a good idea," he said gently.

Obi-Wan moved his hand away from his eyes, but still refused to look up.

"This could kill you my Padawan," he said, his voice soft and slightly choked.

Obi-Wan looked up, his eyes bright and hard. "I know that," he said harshly.

"This information…it's not worth your life. You heard the Council. There are other ways."

Obi-Wan let out a bitter laugh, his eyes once again looking downward. "No, this has to be done." He looked up and met Qui-Gon's eyes. "It's worth it…the things I've done…I need to make some good come out of it."

"Then let me help, anchor you."

"No."

"Please, Padawan. I don't understand. Why won't you let me help?"

"I don't want you to see it …all the things I've done. It's bad enough the entire Council will see it…will know, but I just…," Obi-Wan bit his bottom lip lightly, trying to get a hold of his emotions, "I just don't want you to hate me," he said quietly, almost a whisper.

"I could never hate you my Padawan, no matter what you've done," he said, stepping closer and putting a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Please, let me do this. I don't like that you're subjecting yourself to this, but if you must, let me anchor you. You'll have a much greater chance of surviving if I do. I can't loose you Padawan, not again…not like this."

"I'm sorry. I really am, but it has to be like this."

"This is not you Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon lifted his hand to brush against Obi-Wan's cheek, "Don't you want to fight…to survive?"

Obi-Wan looked away. "I'm going to see if there's a private training salle open. I'm out of practice."

* * *

He pushed away from the wall, forcing Qui-Gon's hand to drop. Without another word, he walked away. Qui-Gon stared as he disappeared into the crowd of Jedi striding through the hallway. He wanted to follow, he meant to, but he was too numb to move.

Obi-Wan twisted and leapt, flying through katas with practiced ease. He wasn't that out of practice, though he didn't feel he was at his best. Performing katas, honing his lightsabre skills through drills, the physical training was one of the few Jedi activities he allowed himself while healing. It calmed his mind, made him close out the outside world and concentrate only on his body.

He let himself fall out of the last kata. He opened his mind slightly, searching out the presence he knew would be nearby. Sure enough, Qui-Gon was hovering outside the salle door, his mind a flurry of agitation and fear. Obi-Wan lifted his hand, deactivating the door's lock with the Force and opening the door. Qui-Gon stood just outside, a look of shock flitting across his face just before he regained his usual stoic composure. He stepped into the salle, the door hissing shut behind him and the lock reactivating.

"Our discussion was not finished Padawan," Qui-Gon said, using his stern Master voice, giving Obi-Wan a look meant to intimidate and chide, a look he used on wayward young padawans. It made Obi-Wan slightly angry and very much annoyed. He wasn't in the mood for Qui-Gon's 'you will do as I say and smile in the process' stubborn streak. He had no intention on changing his mind about the procedure, but perhaps if he gave Qui-Gon something else he wanted, it would mollify him a bit.

So, in response to Qui-Gon's terse statement, Obi-Wan simply removed his inner tunic, leaving him bare-chested, clothed only in his leggings, his boots having been discarded earlier. He threw the tunic to the side and faced Qui-Gon once more.

"Are you just going to just stand there or are you going to give me a workout?" he asked, canting his hips just a bit and raising an eyebrow, letting his voice take on a breathy and suggestive tone. It was a tone he'd honed to perfection. He opened his arms in challenge, his lightsabre held firmly in his right hand.

Qui-Gon's stern gaze faltered for a moment, then his stepped forward, removing his outer tunic and tossing it near Obi-Wan's. He removed his lightsabre from his belt and moved into a defensive stance.

Obi-Wan surged forward, attacking with a ferocity Qui-Gon had never seen before. The Master was caught off guard and found himself struggling to defend the younger man's attack. He adjusted his stance and forced his body to move into an offensive form he hadn't used since his days as a lone Knight. Their lightsabres became a blur of motion as they traded blows, the air crackling with the angry sound of sabers meeting.

Suddenly, Obi-Wan switched his form, flying over Qui-Gon's head and attempting to take advantage of the Master through aerial maneuvers. Qui-Gon continued to defend himself, though, meeting each blow with equal strength. Obi-Wan realized that he was tiring, that months of less than rigorous training and no one to spar against had left him with decreased stamina. Unwilling to give up the fight, he reached into the force and pushed, sending Qui-Gon stumbling backwards and giving Obi-Wan a moment to breathe and calculate his chances. Before he could blink, though, Qui-Gon was up and forcing him to parry strong and nimble saber blows.

Obi-Wan met each of them, but his arms ached and he knew Qui-Gon was gaining the advantage. He tried going airborne again, but Qui-Gon was too fast, catching Obi-Wan just as he landed and sweeping his feet from under him. Obi-Wan fell onto his back, his saber tumbling from his hand, air rushing out of his lungs as Qui-Gon's saber swept down and stopped only inches from his throat.

"You _are_ out of practice," Qui-Gon said, his breath coming in loud huffs as he disengaged his saber and held out a hand to help Obi-Wan up.

Obi-Wan lifted his hand, but instead of hoisting himself up, he yanked Qui-Gon down, causing the older man to tumble onto Obi-Wan in a rather ungraceful heap.

"You're faster than I remember," Obi-Wan said, his mouth brushing against Qui-Gon's ear.

Qui-Gon stared at the young man, unable to gage his mood or his intentions. His inability to read Obi-Wan even a little left him feeling uneasy and unsure how to proceed.

Obi-Wan, though, did not waver. He yanked Qui-Gon's head down and kissed him hard, his tongue lapping, tasting in an almost brutal crush of lips. Before Qui-Gon could do much more than kiss back tentatively, Obi-Wan was wiggling out of his leggings, pushing them past his hips and kicking them off his feet. Qui-Gon suddenly had a very naked Obi-Wan beneath him, something that had entered his dreams on more than one occasion, but right now it seemed almost wrong. He tried to catch Obi-Wan's eye, to gage the young man's mood, but he suddenly wrapped his legs around Qui-Gon, pulling the older man's hips down to meet his and began to writhe, pulling Qui-Gon into another brutal kiss.

Despite his reservations, Qui-Gon felt himself hardening under the onslaught. Obi-Wan felt it as well and chuckled, sending vibrations deep into Qui-Gon's chest.

"Do you want to fuck me Master?" Obi-Wan asked in a tone Qui-Gon was sure he had never heard his padawan use. It was seductive, but also practiced, as if Obi-Wan were speaking words he'd memorized for a play.

"You can if you want to. I know you want to," he said in the same tone.

Not waiting for a response, Obi-Wan flipped over to his stomach, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees and thrusting his ass into Qui-Gon erection, rubbing sensually.

Qui-Gon wasn't sure what to do, his cock had its own ideas as Obi-Wan continued to press against him, but the situation made him uncomfortable, like he was taking advantage of something precious and delicate.

"I don't have anything to ease the way Padawan. I don't want to hurt you."

In response, Obi-Wan grabbed on of Qui-Gon's hands and brought it to his mouth, sucking three of his fingers wetly.

"There, that'll do," Obi-Wan said.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said gently, his other hand rubbing a soothing circle against the young man's hip, "I don't think this is a good idea."

"Of course it is," Obi-Wan said, his voice loosing the seductive tone and gaining an edge, "you said yourself that we've waiting long enough."

"This isn't quite how I imaged it would go Padawan. I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"I'm glad you trust me so much Obi-Wan, but I'm afraid that no matter how careful I am it will hurt you some."

"For Force sake. It's fine Qui-Gon. It's nothing I haven't done before. We both want it, so just fuck me already."

In response, Qui-Gon let his hand drop from Obi-Wan's hip and down to the young man's cock, which hung limp, despite their activity or Obi-Wan's words of desire.

"I don't think this is something you want Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said gently.

Obi-Wan's arms shook as he tried to hold himself up. A choked sob escaped his throat. "Please Qui-Gon, just do it…please…I just…I need…" Another sob escaped as he let his arms give and folded them onto the mat, hiding his head in his arms as Qui-Gon hovered above him.

Qui-Gon touched Obi-Wan's shoulder, encouraging the young man to roll over so he could see his face. Obi-Wan complied, rolling over limply, letting his arms fall to his sides and keeping his gaze down.

Qui-Gon reached to brush a tear off of Obi-Wan's cheek and the young man flinched, unable to control the reaction.

Qui-Gon sighed. "That's the second time you have flinched away from me Padawan. Tell me what's wrong."

Obi-Wan glanced up, looking into Qui-Gon's concerned eyes, his face pinched with worry. He felt his composure tear just a bit. He wanted comfort so badly, knew he didn't deserve it, but wanted it all the same. He wished Qui-Gon would have just fucked him raw instead of pulling this neediness out of him.

"They made me think it was you," Obi-Wan whispered so softly Qui-Gon could barely make out the words.

"They drugged me to make me susceptible to Force suggestion," he said, a bit louder this time, but still in a whisper, as if he were afraid that saying it would make everything shatter.

"When they tortured me…raped me…at first I didn't believe it could be you, but then they kept drugging me and…I was just so confused and I…," Obi-Wan took a deep breath and his voice came out a bit more steady, "I don't want it to be the only memory I have of us. I just want to forget. I want you to make me forget what it was like."

Qui-Gon's tears trailed down his face. He leaned down and kissed Obi-Wan gently, almost chastely on the lips.

"We will replace those memories with better ones my Obi," he said, his voice hoarse and trembling, "But we can take our time. We have time," he whispered.

Obi-Wan wanted to deny him, wanted to say that they had so little time, but Qui-Gon's eyes were so earnest, almost desperate, and for the first time in a long time he wanted to hope, wanted to believe that after everything, after all the pain, he could end up with something good, with something beautiful. When Qui-Gon leaned down to embrace him in a warm hug, he let himself be engulfed and cried, really cried, for the first time in years.


End file.
